A letter to my children: I promise I'm not trying to ruin your lives

Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our...  Okay I'm not going there. What I'm trying to say here is that life with kids is like a soap opera. Only with MORE unbelievable plotlines and a pinch more drama.
I love my children to the end of the world and back. I'd do just about anything for them; shit, I've done things NO human should have to do for another but I do it out of love- and still, they do not understand that I am not trying to pee in their cheerios, rain on their parade, or leave them with all the black jellybeans and yellow starburst. I thought the best way to do this, though they still will not understand- but the ONLY thing to do would be to write these kids a letter. At least this will have a date at the top so when they get older and tell me I tried to ruin their lives- I can pop this sucka out and say "IN YOUR FACE!"- and that's always pretty satisfying. So, here goes nothin'-


Dear children of mine,

I know that there are days you think I am the meanest worst mommy on the entire planet. Maybe even the universe. You don't understand why I do the things I do, or say the things I say, or refuse to allow the things you get in trouble for. You think I'm crapping on your fun and I just must hate having a good time.
Believe it or not, I understand. I used to feel the same way about MY mom. Crazy, right? Never in a MILLION years did I think I would ever come to understand why my parents were trying to, as I thought, ruin my life. I can absolutely assure you that I am not. I promise! Everything I tell you to do and not to do is all has a purpose- and NONE of those are to hurt you or make your life harder- so please, cut me some slack here. Let's work together.


It's not going to kill you to pick up what you leave out, or to put the shit away when you're done;  to wipe after you poop or to flush the freaking toilet. Eating your vegetables is not torture, and dinner does not taste like barf or I wouldn't be eating it either. Do you see how tall I am? That's why I can eat dessert whenever I want. Eat your vegetables and you'll someday grow tall and old enough to be able to choose when you eat your dessert too.

We parents teach you children these things so you can be a functioning adult who might possibly find a mate some day that won't smother you in your sleep because you are so ill-mannered, disgusting and inept. So you won't end up like the guy who literally blew the work bathroom up with poop and didn't bother cleaning after himself and got fired. We're talking all over the toilet, the walls, the sink. Don't ask me how that's possible- but it is. I was there. Now whenever he applies for a job and they ask him why he left his previous, he'll have to say he literally blew that shit up. You do not want to be like that guy.
I tell you to wash yourself thoroughly in the shower so you don't grow up like my friend Stinky Rob with a nickname like Stinky Rob and the only thing anyone ever calls him is Stinky Rob because he is stinky. You do NOT want to be like Stinky Rob.  I make sure you brush your teeth thoroughly and even go behind you to help you finish because teeth are important for eating food. Do you really want to be stuck with tapioca pudding because your teeth fell out before you turned 40? You don't even fully appreciate all foods at 40. I'm doing you a favor!

I tell you not to do things I do because I'm an adult, and that might not make sense to you now, but it will when you are one- as frustrating as that is to hear.
I want you to be a productive member of society. Because I love you... and because I don't want you living in my basement alone with a blowup doll when you're 32.

Love. ALWAYS.
Your parents