An open letter to my children about the misuse and abuse of my beloved chapstick

Dear children of mine,

Oh, dear SWEET children of mine, it's time we had a little chat. NO- not that one, but for some reason I think it may just be as serious. No, it's not even about the rancid farts you let go at the dinner table, even though I detest them (as does my pallet.) We seem to have had a miscommunication, as we have talked about this before- but I feel that since you are STILL not understanding the severity of the situation that I must bring it up again in a forum such as this for you to really finally get it, before I lose my freaking mind once and for all.

This letter, fruits of my crotch- is about one thing. One simple little thing that I have instructed you to stay away from; one simple little thing that I have told you to ASK before touching; one simple little thing that makes me go from kind and tolerant mommy to RAGING BITCH Mommy in 2.5 seconds- and that is the manhandling and abuse of my chapstick.

Enough is enough! Too many times have I picked up a tube, just hoping to moisturize my dry crackling lips in this horrid season we call winter, put it to my lips and it doesn't feel.... right. It feels lumpy. Misshapen. Soggy even. That is when I realize that prior to my lip application- it has been in the mouth of one of you.

WHY?

We've talked about this! Time and time again I have said that chapstick is to be put on lips GENTLY, not mashed into faces and taken chunks out of with creepy little baby teeth. It is not edible! I know it smells good but for fuck's sake- after the dozenth time of ingesting scented wax- is it not clear that the taste is NEVER going to be good?

And this just applies to the times when I can actually FIND the damn things. Too many times has be beloved chapstick gone missing never to be seen again. I imagine it made a nice home in one of your stomach's and got pooped out- and we all know that shit's useless.
I've tried hiding them, you find them like you have GPS on those bitches. I've tried hoarding them so that when one gets lost I will always have another- you ruin them all in lightning speed. I've tried to give you your father's chapstick instead but you say it doesn't smell good enough... okay, that one I understand- but seriously- BACK OFF MY CHAPSTICK.

I realize that you are children and you don't understand the bond a woman creates with her chapstick- but trust me when I tell you that it is in your best interests to leave our shit alone instead of taking it and smearing it all over your face. Even if your lips are chapped, you don't need chapstick smothering the 3 inch perimeter AROUND your lips. You look like a circus clown. You smell fabulous, but you look like a freaky shiny circus clown.

The next time you want to put MY chapstick on YOUR face- ASK ME and I will do it FOR YOU- 'cause I swear if I find a lumpy bumpy sloppery bite marked tube again I'll pee in your bed.
Okay, I won't- because I paid for your bed and I'd have to clean it up... but TRUST ME, I am DECADES older than you and being that I am a woman- I can hold onto grudges for a long, long time. Don't tempt me.

Love and kisses,
Mommy