The resume of a stay at home mom

At this moment- I have been a stay at home mom longer than I  held ANY other job in my life (and yes, being a stay at home mom IS a job. Anyone who denies that deserves a kick to the throat.) That's a crazy thought, right? Or maybe it just says something for my work ethic- but truth is truth. 'Stay at home mom' has been my job for so long that all of the skills I had in the work force to do anything else are pretty much gone. Maybe that sounds lazy- but it's true.

When you stay at home all the time, you get into a routine, a groove- you do things how you do things, and you don't need to use a filing cabinet or some weird computer program- and even though you know the kids will be up at a certain time and have places to be- there's no clock to punch and while you might consider them your tyrannical managers- at the end of the day, YOU still hold the Mom card, and therefore are in charge. Even when it doesn't feel like you have control over a damn thing.

All of the "job skills" I once had have long since faded and taking residence where the knowledge of them was stored is how to effectively treat a diaper rash and more than anyone should ever know about baby formula, reflux, and the consistency of poop.

Assuming this whole writing thing doesn't work out for me, the sad day will come when I have to give up my longest position ever held and return to the "real world"- as much as it saddens me. Fingers crossed it doesn't, but I think it's important to be prepared for all possibilities.
If I have to dip my toes back into the work force, I will need to have a new resume prepared. I'm pretty sure a 6-10 year old one listing things I no longer remember how to do isn't gonna cut it. Sure, I could lie- but going into an interview with my last listed job experience being however many years ago and trying to get a job with skills I don't really have anymore would probably not be wise. We stay at homes get a little more respect these days- but let's be honest... No I have not been keeping up with my prior skills, and it's not a degree I can wave in their face and be like "this still counts!"

I figured out that if this is going to happen, I'm going to have to be creative. I don't at all consider my time at home as unproductive or detrimental to my "future"- whatever the hell that might hold. I might not know how to key in a code for some stupid vendor and the patience I had to wait tables with grown adults as patrons who act like total fucking babies if they don't get their food in a time frame that they deem "fast" might be COMPLETELY gone since having kids who act like babies but can still wait for food more maturely... but I have done things! I have! I have honed all NEW skills. And if I have honed all new skills, even though I'm not technically being "paid" for my current "job"- shouldn't they be listed proudly on a resume? I have YEARS of experience! I might even have tenure!
So I got to thinking, and thinking lead to making a mental list of what I will be listing as my shiny new job skills on a shiny new resume some time possibly in the future- and I came up with the following:

1. Kisses with pain-relieving power. No, seriously. My children get hurt, I kiss the hurt area- and POOF- no more pain. If that's not a skill to brag about, I don't know what it is.

2. Super hearing- the ability to hear evil shit going down with multiple rooms between the perpetrators and myself. Management material right there.

3. The ability to prep 3 full lunches in under 10 minutes. This includes two different kinds of sandwiches since I have one picky as shit child.

4. Extremely skilled at rightside-outing inside out pant legs. And extracting underwear from their depths.

5. I have honed the ability to be able to tell if someone needs to take a shit just by the way they are standing.

6. Trained to take the fastest pees and/or poos possible after years of bathroom harassment. This would make for shortened breaks- great for any employer!

7. Able to function on very little sleep and keep moving for far longer than 8 hours without ever slowing down.

8. Can sit through torturous amounts of terrible television. So much that I actually start to enjoy it. Music, however...

9. Queen of multitasking. Known to be able to brush someone else's teeth while going to the bathroom. That takes dedication!

10. Able to ignore repetitive obnoxious sounds for prolonged periods of time, such as whining, banging, clicking, humming, and shrieking.

Who are we kidding here? The only job I'd be able to land with these skills is in a penitentiary or insane asylum- and the latter doesn't even exist anymore.
I think instead I'll just hope to win the lottery... y'know- without buying a ticket. Stranger things have happened.