Holdin' Holden: The first EVER blog of Parkerisms! aka "The weird shizz my kid says"

Parker isn't your typical 3 year old. Well, maybe he is- but as a parent I worry that some things are different than others or behind where all the stupid websites say he should be at this age. Deep down I know that all children are different and progress differently and blah blah uplifting blah blah blah- yes I KNOW that.
I guess I should just say that Parker is different than Holden, who is really the only person I have around enough to compare him to.

For years on this blog I've been able to make multiple blogs entirely out of the random and hilarious shit that comes out of Holden's mouth. I couldn't wait to do that with Parker, I was anxiously awaiting- and the day just never seemed to come. The majority of his first year of life, Parker spent very ill- which unfortunately caused so many issues that we still deal with to this day- but every day it gets better. Due to that, he has always been a boy of few words. STRONG words, choice words- but not many of them (and if you want to read his whole story- you can do so here)
Eventually I knew he would come into his own, and logically I thought it would be once Holden went of to school and Parker could get a word in edgewise, but I still worried. A lot.

I guess this is one of those moments when you realize you should have trusted your gut instead of being a gigantic whiny worry-wart... but we can't help what comes natural at times, and sometimes whining just feels GOOD. The words have come y'all. Lots of words.

We come back to what I said before- Parker isn't your typical 3 year old. He's special. Not more special than anyone else mind you- but special. Special because it took us so long to get where we are and there were so many hurdles to jump over; so man roadblocks and setbacks and stressful times. We still have some of those- but we also have words.

Unlike Holden's way of letting things fly from his mouth that were accidentally embarrassing or innocent yet wholly inappropriate; or making up new terms for things- like calling sunglasses "Cool Guys" that made up so many of the Holdenism blogs... Parkerisms (yes, I can finally use it!) are more devious and evil-genius like. His isms are on purpose instead of Holden accidentally falling into hilarity or coming up with one-line zingers like when he was 3. It's a different game we play, and different reasons we laugh- but I am happy to finally have enough of them to share with you because ... well, Parker is FUNNY. And he knows it. This frightens me.

Parker: Mommy, can we play Starfall now? (Obnoxious yet effective online learning 'game')
Me: Hmmm, maybe in a minute
Parker: Why? You need to pee and poo first?
Me: No...
Parker: Just pee?
Me: .... yeah, I might need to pee. Thanks for reminding me.
Parker: you welcome

I was in the bathroom doing my hair when the little rolled in on his scooter and the following EVIL occurred
Parker: Mommy, this my yogurt bar. It's yummy!
Me: Yeah, they are pretty good
Parker: You want some?
Me: No thanks,
Parker: I all done. It go in here? *points to pantry*
Me: No- it's open. Just go put it on the counter.
Parker: But how I reach?
Me: .... you stand up and you reach.
Parker: I don't know how
Me: Just give it to me! You did all this just so I would take it, didn't you?
*he laughs, hands me the bar and scoots off, then comes back 2 minutes later*
Parker: This my water. I all done.
Me: If you're all done put it on the counter
Parker: ... but how I reach?
Me: I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS! *runs away screaming*

A few weeks before Christmas, Thomas was walking around with his cell phone in his back pocket while cleaning the house- from which he was blasting Christmas music.
Parker followed behind him yelling "I'M LISTENING TO YOUR BUTTHOLE!"

After EVERY single obnoxious thing Parker does- he exclaims:
"That's cute!"
No. It isn't. It really really isn't.

While getting him buckled into the car:
Me: Hurry up and get in the car, it is really frickin' cold. Winter is HERE!
Parker: Oh! I don't want my nipples to fall off!

For an entire week- instead of telling me he wanted a snack- Parker would walk up to me, lift his shirt and say
"Mommy- my bellybutton hungry!"
I lived in fear for that week that his bellybutton would come to life like Little Shop of Horrors and start shouting "FEED ME!"

Kid starts hacking up a lung in the backseat right as I'm unbuckling him
Me: That's gross
Parker: What?
Me: Your cough. That was nasty
Parker: What's it smell like?

The Winningest Win of all Wins:
Parker: I want Hato (taco) Bell!
Husband: we're not getting Taco Bell
Parker: but I'm hungry for it! I'm hungry for Hato Bell!
Husband: do you have the money for it?
Parker: yeah
Husband: where is it?
Parker: in your pocket!

How he expresses love is also how he tries to get out of trouble:
"I like you. You my baby"

Well Parker, I like you too- and you actually ARE my baby; but you're still in trouble. Sometimes. Sometimes not. Damn those cheeks and those dimples.