My child, the artist

A few years back, getting Holden to so much as even pick up a crayon and doodle in anything other than a coloring book was like pulling teeth. Scratch that, molars.
He had absolutely no interest, or maybe he just had no idea what the fuck this crazy woman was asking him to do. It doesn't have lines! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COLOR THAT?

I thought for a long time that the kid just had absolutely no imagination whatsoever. The imagination fairy must have skipped him and given it to that psychotic brat who lived across the street- he clearly had it in spades if he thought his nasty little mouth would fly with me.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so my kid wouldn't fucking draw me a picture. Seriously, JUST DRAW MOMMY A PICTURE SO THAT I MIGHT PHOTOGRAPH IT AND DO THE MOMMY THING BY POSTING IT ONLINE BECAUSE I  WANT TO SHOW IT OFF AM SO SO PROUD. 
Yeah, no, just wasn't gonna happen. Shit, he even went through a stage where the only thing he would color in coloring books was poop coming out of the characters asses. Yes. Really. He really did that.

He might know how to press every single one of my buttons simultaneously, have the back-sass ability of a teenage girl, and be a borderline asshole 6 out of 7 days of the week, but the kid isn't dumb. The mommy in me wants to tell you that he's actually really smart, but that's not the point of this post.

The point is that it really friggin' bugged me that the kid wouldn't draw me a picture I could stick on the friggin' fridge. JUST ONE.

What I didn't know was that he seemed to be saving it up so that when he DID finally start the 'typical kid doodling', he would be able to go above and beyond the call of weird.

So yeah, he draws now. He draws a lot. But it's weird. And by weird I mean hilarious. And by hilarious I mean really really random and acid-trip-ish. And he gets all assholey when you don't know what it is that he's drawn, because he likes you to guess. But he likes you to guess RIGHT, and a lot of times, there just is no guessing right- because of the acid-trip-ish-ness.
I may not be able to guess them, but they have the tendency to make me laugh so hard that I HAVE to photograph them. Plus he's sort of an attention whore at the tender age of 4.5, so he insists I post them for the world to see.
Since he asked so nicely, I have decided to share them here. Like an online art gallery. Only by art, I mean... well.. you'll see.

This is a portrait of me. Apparently I have a wild mountain man beard.

If you're wondering if I ran to the mirror after this to make sure I wasn't sprouting

chin pubes.... i'm not answering that.

I call this one "Nightmare Bob"- because the infernal yellow sponge may be the most annoying creation to ever be created... but this shit is downright freaky.

He says truck with wheels. I see two people wearing monogrammed shirts.

Spongebob. With a soda. Duh

Spongebob. On acid. YES he draws a lot of fucking Spongebob. ugh.

"It's Perry the octopus and he's mad at that guy"

"It's a cat with the longest tail ever"

Mr. Krabs... after 30 hours of sleep deprivation. If Mr. Krabs really

looked like this, that rat bastard Plankton would never try to steal

the secret Krabby Patty formula.

......parmesan cheese

Cat on crack. I love the shankiness of its tail and that look in its eye like

it's going to piss on everything you love.

Spongebob... Dancing? Or maybe taking a violent shit.

This is apparently me. In the morning. If he was referring to BEFORE coffee, 

well, then I wouldn't be able to argue with this depiction at all.

I can't wait for him to go to school. And it's not totally because someone else will be forced to deal with hours of his shit... ok maybe it's a lot of that- but REALLY, what i'm looking forward to is his schoolwork. If his drawings are any indication- i'm going to have to invest in one of those chair doohickeys that doubles as a toilet, because i'll be pissing myself while sitting at the kitchen table going over his work.