Friday, April 13, 2012

Waving the white flag. You win this one, disgusting kids

Four words: Little kids are nasty. Not just boys, as the old saying goes "snip snails and puppy dog tails"- but girls too. I don't know where this "sugar and spice and everything nice" ALL GIRLS ARE PRETTY PRINCESSES deal came from, because I was a digusting mess of a thing. I liked the dirt and catching frogs and climbing trees and mud puddle jumping- it's possible I was cut from a totally different cloth but you'd have a hard time convincing me of that.
So back to the main point- kids are nasty. NASTY. Gross, disgusting, no shame having creatures of terror.

In my just under 5 years of experience, I have been pooped and peed on and AT more times than I can count.. and I don't dare try to tally the number of times I have had fecal matter under my fingernails. I've been caked in rancid baby vomit, given suppositories, yanked snot out of noses, bitten tiny fingernails, and wiped up after someone else's bathroom visit.
I've been coughed on because someone doesn't know how to cover their mouth, sneezes directly in my face, farts on my lap, been randomly licked on, around, and in my nose and mouth for no reason at all.

I cannot recall a day since having children where I have not ended it with some foreign crusted on substance- THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY SEXUAL- attached to one or all articles of my clothing that no matter how hard I try, I absolutely cannot place, and I am too terrified to attempt sniffing in fear of passing out from stench.

Five years and two kids later... it's a lot for one person to deal with. And when you have been the sole soul having to bear the brunt of most of these horrors... you tend to start thinking like an irrational person would.  You start to think of ways to get revenge. If they are going to be disgusting little dirt balls to ME, I will pay them back in spades. GAME ON SPAWN!
Yes, revenge on a little kid. It's that kind of serious, and not serious at the same time.

The problem here is that children are evil diabolical geniuses. Evil, DISGUSTING, diabolical geniuses. You think you can outsmart them, you SHOULD be able to... but you can't.

I have tried (GASP FOR SHAME!) farting on my kids. They think it's hilarious. Or if I accidentally squeaked one out, i'd blame them and they'd take the blame.. but they caught onto that their ass was not in fact the culprit and began blaming me for mine and theirs. They have also somehow learned to fart on command and pull the "GUESS WHAT?" gag on me.
Gives backfiring a new meaning, doesn't it?

When they are caught picking their noses, I used to punish them by saying I would make them eat the treasures they discovered. Cut to now, I have two booger eaters who even offer to eat mine for me. YACK! While it would cut down on tissue usage, I just can't stomach the thought of my snot in their stomachs.

I am constantly being asked to SMELL things. Smell my armpit, smell my pillow, smell my ---I DON'T WANT TO SMELL YOUR ANYTHING!
Why not give them a taste of their own medicine- SMELL MY STINKY FEET! I don't wear socks, I walk around barefoot. Constantly. I wear 2 year old flats. This MUST bother them!
Instead, what did I get? A tongue between my toes.

I GIVE masters of disgust! Consider this my tap out, my white flag- I am conceding the election for Most Disgusting to you, and all children like you.I bow to you and your lack of gag reflex, gross out meter, and shame- and I will never challenge you again!

Until Highschool... when I pull out the pictures of you streaking around the house butt-naked with toilet paper hanging from your crack just as you're about to go off on your first date.


  1. roflmao... As soon as my tears subside from laughing so hard... Great post! Absolutely 100% couldn't agree more. With four girls of my own trust me when I say they are nasty little beasts too!

  2. Omg I just let out a little pee! (yes I am reading your blog backwards. Why? Cos I can lol) x

  3. I soooo love reading everything you write (including your book). I can not go a day without reading your posts. Before I started reading what you wrote, I thought I was the only parent in the world that went thru that stuff. Even now as my child starts the fight of his life trying to figure out what is wrong, you help make my day easier to get thru with your humor. Thank you so very much...(HUGS)

  4. You really do learn something everyday I guess...I am 46 years old and have always thought the saying was 'snakes' and snails and puppy dog tails. Huh...